Okay, but for real – can someone please tell me why I’m like this? I go out of my way to make sure everyone else is miserable just because I feel like shit. I put loved ones in situations where they are guaranteed to give the “wrong” response (selon moi). And then get mad when they do so. It’s a lose-lose for them and a win-win for me. Even though I’m actually the one losing. Big time.
But I can’t help it.
Bitch sit your punk ass down and stop using the absolute most pathetic excuse in the book. “But I can’t help it” can be directly translated to “but I don’t want to change“. Well, after years and years and years of this behavior, I’m fed the fuck up. I now have a boyfriend that I love, and who loves me dearly, and he doesn’t deserve a girlfriend who plays these time-wasting games. Especially considering we’re long distance France-America. We do not have time to waste being moody. And then there’s my family. My family, yo……….god they deserve so much better from me. So much better. Who the hell am I to walk around with a bad attitude day in and day out when all they want is my happiness? Who the hell am I?
I have trouble letting go. I always have. Whether I’m leaving behind an asshole fuckboy in Paris or finishing the last episode of The Durrells in Corfu. I just make things into such a huge ordeal. I’m so fucking dramatic, shit!! My boyfriend sends me a snapchat video of his colleagues and I see a girl in there. I screenshot. Two seconds later my boyfriend’s got a text from me with said screenshot attached asking why he was filming that girl. WHEN I KNOW FULL WELL THAT HE LOVES ME AND I LITERALLY DO NOT FEEL THREATENED BY THIS GIRL AT ALL. WHO IS SHE? I LITERALLY DON’T KNOW OR CARE. But! I’m bored, I want attention, and I want my boyfriend to explain to me why I shouldn’t be worried and to reassure me of how much he loves me. So I come up with this sick, fucked up way of getting that out of him. Manipulation. Straight up. I’m manipulating him to tell me he loves me when he literally tells me he loves me all day every day. And here’s the best part – I’m fully aware that I’m doing this, and I hate myself for it, and I get even more angry (with myself), but transfer the anger I have towards myself to my boyfriend. And then I’m mad at myself for being mad at him for no reason because he’s honestly the best boyfriend I could have ever wished for and it just goes on and on and on until we’re both silent (me from shame and him from exhaustion). Here’s a thought – tell him this. Acknowledge that you’re being a childish little shit, laugh about it, and move ON.
I could write for days on this subject. But we mustn’t dwell, must we? We can only acknowledge our mistakes and make a conscious effort to better ourselves as we move forward. Tomorrow’s the first day of the Christmas holidays, and I intend to spend these next few weeks making lovely jubbly memories with my family that I’ll take with me to Paris when I’ve flown the nest.
Appreciate what you’ve got. Realize how good you have it. Because nothing is forever.
Snapshots of the last few months